House of Usher (2006)

Potentially a reboot of the classic Vincent Price/Roger Corman film, or else a modern day adaptation of the Poe story, House of Usher doesn't really do a whole lot outside of its pretty cinematography to entice the viewer into watching.

If you're familiar with the story, you'll essentially know what's going on. Jillian, a massage therapist, drops everything when she hears that her best friend, Madeleine Usher, has passed away from a mysterious illness. She drives to the Usher family estate for the funeral, and ends up reconnecting with Madeleine's brother, Roderick (given the shorter, sportier nickname Rick), who is her ex. So, yeah, a few changes to the short story, and that's only a few.

But the majority of the film encompasses Jill and Rick debating their hot and cold relationship (usually in soft whispering voices that almost make it seem like the actors weren't really sure how to approach the material), Jill whining about Rick keeping secrets, and, well, more slow dialogue. Jill does get fleeting glimpses of Maddie throughout the house, but that's all they ever measure up to be as the maid (played by Beth Grant, who's characters are usually a little kookier and more fun than the tight-lipped, sour faced woman she's called upon to be here) is ever present to stop her from lingering too far.

You can tell something weird is up when Rick spends most of his time either a) writing an atrocious sounding novel that I'm sure is supposed to be reflective of Poe himself but sounds a bit more like bad 8th grade poetry or b) sexing Jill up under the pretense of "needing comfort" after his sister's death. I guess sex is the only thing guys can think about after all? Once Jill ends up pregnant (apparently Rick's endgame), all the family skeletons come out of the closet and the dastardly truth of calling Jill to the homestead comes to light.

Overall, I'd skip this film and watch the Vincent Price version where the characters are brought to life much more vividly and the back story in it isn't as slimy. Certain additions to the film really turned me off to it, including Jill's pregnancy and other facts that I won't disclose here if you still feel inclined to check this thing out. I'm usually down for anything Poe related, but this was a real bummer.

Buried (2010)

What would you do if you woke up in a pine box buried in the ground? That's the situation presented in Buried; a contractor working overseas in Iraq wakes to find himself buried, with only a flashlight, a lighter, a cell phone and a few other items to help get himself unburied.

Since the entire film takes place within a six by two foot box, you'd think that it would be difficult to keep the audience's attention -- but honestly, Ryan Reynolds does a bang up job of riveting your eyes to the screen. You can really feel the frustration as he does whatever he can to make his limited battery life count. Government numbers, his wife's number, his company's phone number all come to his memory's forefront, and each gives up a different consequence, rounding out a short but sweet story that has a very shocking ending.

It starts off simple enough -- Reynolds' character is a contract truck driver working in Iraq, during the recent "conflict". He's not a solider, and neither he nor any of his coworkers have any sort of protection, defensive or offensive, against insurgents. So when their truck gets hit, there's nothing they can do. Slowly the story is pieced together; not just a story of one many trying to get himself out of an impossible situation, but also of how a larger entity, such as a government or country, treats a singular person. After all, what's one person when their life is stacked against several thousands, nay, millions?

It's really amazing how absolutely frustrating -- and honestly, thats the word to describe this film, at least when you put yourself in the character's point of view -- it is to watch this character make phone calls and how easily people write him off. At one instance, one woman even tells him to "not be so rude." Is this something that a lot of people prank phone call about? HELP I'M BURIED IN A BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH OXYGEN- Sorry, sir, please hold. He is continuously shuffled from person to person, and in the end there's really only one man who gives a shit.

The best part of it, I think, was how one caller interweaves the reassuring story of how he found one man to whom this similar situation had happened. He was kidnapped but rescued, and was back home safe and sound with his family. It's pretty amazing on what you can do with such a small scope and a very talented actor. The film really doesn't waste any of its 95 minutes, moving constantly from one obstacle to the next as time is ticking for the man in the box.

Saturday Horror Short #15

Today's horror short isn't necessarily horrific -- it's actually pretty cute and funny -- but it's got a lot of horror elements in it. Le Taxidermiste is an adorable twist on a woman saying good by to her taxidermist husband after he passes away. Check it out!



Le Taxidermiste from Le Taxidermiste Team on Vimeo.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

I'm not entirely sure where to start with Repo! When I first heard of it, way back when, I was absolutely baffled by it. I knew the concept of a horror musical -- I'd seen Little Shop of Horrors both on stage and on DVD -- but this just seemed...incredibly strange. It didn't really click for me until I heard the first sound byte of Graverobber screaming "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVEEESS", but by then I knew I was hopelessly hooked.

Repo! The Genetic opera is a complete mishmash of things. You have the coming of age story of young Shilo Wallace, who's been kept locked up in her room by her surgeon father (who harbors a dark secret of his own) for fear that a blood disease will kill her. Then there's Rotti Largo and his three bratty kids -- Rotti is the owner of GeneCo, the world's largest provider of medical services and plastic surgery.

You see, organ failures have escalated all over the planet. GeneCo, and other companies like it, provide a service for a price. The insurance rates are high, but the company promises that you'll love your new organs -- and why not a touch up to your face, your boobs or your butt while you're at it? The numbers start to stack up and when people can't pay, that's when GeneCo sends out the RepoMen. These are specially assigned killers who excel in the cleanest of surgeries, and they will track you down until they repossess the organ that belongs to GeneCo, even if that means killing you in the process.

Now, Repo! is not for everyone. It's heavily saturated with gore, the songs are definitely an acquired taste, and the acting is over the top. It was compared to Rocky Horror, and described as being such for a new generation. I honestly couldn't think of a better description, because Repo! is, at heart, a cult film. You're either going to love the hell out of it or raise your brows at everyone who even mentions the film. With a wide cast of stars -- ranging from Bill Moseley and Nivek Ogre to Anthony Stewart Head and Paris Hilton -- and a varying vocal range, this film is a strange concoction that will either work for you or it won't.

The story twists and turns, taking separate plots and weaving them into one gigantic tale of sorrow and loss, mixed in with a heavy dose of comedy and heavy riffs. Repo! makes no apologies for what it is, kind of like the hooker on the corner by the liquor store. It's grungy and gross, it takes a huge social topic and cuts it open while you watch squirming. Really, I wish it was actually longer -- several scenes were cut, eventually making their way online, but there's just so much available here that the film could have easily been twice its length. But sadly, producers will always have their say.

Four years after its making, it's already got a large following who perform weekly shadowcasts, and the original creators (Terrance Zdunich and Darren Lynn Bousman) are looking to take the movie around for another spin, pairing it with their new "The Devil's Carnival" (another post for another time). Sadly, all attempts at a sequel were stunted due to Repo!'s poor returns, and due to Hollywood red tape, the rights are no longer in the creator's hands. But we still have the original, the one, the only Repo! You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll sing!

All About Evil (2010)

When a mousy librarian inherits her father's beloved old theater, she does her best to bring it back into the limelight -- at whatever the cost. Utilizing her love for horror and a legion of gorehound fans, she quickly amasses fame creating seemingly fake shorts that she plays before classic horror films; but what her fans don't know is that the shorts are all too real!

All About Evil is nothing but camp from beginning to end; from over the top acting to ridiculous deaths, the film pays homage to many directors and films of the genres and has fun while it does it.

The film actually seemed older to me in the beginning, what with the low budget appearance, but once you get into the meat of the film, all of that falls away under the absolutely charming characters and ridiculous story. It took an obvious reference for me to catch Cassandra Peterson (Elvira) because I'm so not used to seeing her play a straight character, but she does it well!

Thomas Dekker was easy to recognize, but played the teenage hero pretty much perfectly. However, all the awards go to Natasha Lyonne's "DebORah," the main character who goes from inhibited shut-in to classy psycho.

This is honestly a film for horror and indie fans -- the gore might be a little over the top for regular folks, and the campiness is something you'll either find hilarious or utterly irritating. For me, I was laughing every five minutes because of Noah Segan's digusting homeless killer character and I loved the addition of the Wednesday Addams-esque twins in Nikita and Jade Ramsey.

Watching this whole thing unfold is a treat, especially since there are just not enough good horror comedies out there. I fully endorse checking this film out, and if you have, well, it's time for a rewatch!

Saturday Horror Short #14

Today's Saturday Horror Short is an homage to the classic Japanese horror film. It's all about the creep factor, which it has in spades! Grab some snacks and enjoy OverTime.

ABCs of Death (2012)

What it's about: A 26-chapter anthology that showcases death in all its vicious wonder and brutal beauty.

Review: I'd heard about this film here or there, but never fully looked into it until after my initial viewing. But I guess to keep everyone informed of the intention, a quick explanation plays before the film -- 26 directors were each given one letter of the alphabet, a budget, and five minutes to make a short film that showcased death in some aspect.

It sounds very ambitious. At first, I thought the fun might be in trying to figure out what word the director had chosen -- and some of them are very easy to figure out -- but after awhile some of the films got so bizarre that I just had to sit back and watch it all unfold.

Yeah, this doesn't even scratch the surface of how weird this film gets.

Renfield: Slave of Dracula (2006)

For those who read this blog, it's pretty obvious that I have a deep and abiding love for anything Frankenstein. But that doesn't mean that I ignore the other well-known horror characters that resound throughout our culture. Who am I talking about here? Well, Dracula, of course, probably the most popular and well known creature of them all. There have been countless spin-offs, reworkings, refurbishments and allusions to this classic work, but it's often difficult to find something that is wholly original and really takes the old story to a different level. Such was the case with Renfield: Slave of Dracula by Barbara Hambley. Focusing on a key but lesser regarded character is definitely something that caught my eye, especially when it came to this particular lunatic who's set the standard for many a vampire's lackey. 

Renfield is mainly known for being Jonathan Harker's predecessor and for being a lunatic after returning from a trip to visit with Dracula. In film adaptations, his role is sometimes expanded beyond that to doing more for the Count, but beyond that very little is known of him -- he's often not even given a first name. But in Renfield: Slave of Dracula we're introduced not only a name but to a backstory of a family, and a man tortured by the demons in his mind. His wife came from an upstanding family that was skeptical of her marriage to a merchant class man, but it's evident that the two hold a deep love for one another. From this union came a daughter, Victoria, affectionately called Vixie. Renfield writes countless letters to them both, showing that he is a man filled with emotion.

But he also has demons to contend with. Many times we are shown a hallucination that Renfield names Wotan, though it's Dracula. This thing taunts him by showing him images of past kills and tortures him with the impending doom of Lucy and Mina, in whom Renfield sees reflected his own daughter. The book shows journal entries, logs, bits of narrative to flesh the whole thing out, and it's really quite the spellbinding story when compared to Stoker's original novel (you know that thing reads like sandpaper). And the story doesn't end with Renfield's death, as is often shown at the hands of the Count while still entombed in the lunatic asylum. Instead, he's taken in by two other vampires who seek the Count's demise, and give Renfield a second chance in order to make right what he has done wrong.

Overall, I thought this was one of the better Dracula sequels I've read, especially considering the small amount of material that Hambly would have had to work off of. Her writing is superb, easily bringing the story to life for the reader's pleasure.

The Countess (2009)

What it's about: Blaming her advancing age for a failed romance with a younger man, 16th-century Hungarian countess Erzebet Báthory begins murdering virgin girls and bathing in their blood, believing that the grim ritual will restore her youthful beauty.

Review: There's a lot of speculation and rumor surrounding the allegedly infamous Countess Erezbet Bathory. Did she have epilepsy or some other disease that drove her to these acts? Was she the victim of a vicious conspiracy so that the king could get out of repaying the debt that he owed her and her husband? No one will probably ever know, and the best we can do is guess at the circumstances surrounding her trial and eventual house arrest. The Countess attempts to take a wild stab at explaining Erzebet and her legend, encircling it around a failed romance. 

Love will make you do crazy things.

Saturday Horror Short #13

Lucky number 13! Today's horror short is all about mental disorders -- namely, multiple personality disorders. This is a subject that's often touched on in many horror films, but I don't think it's ever been done as succinctly as INSiDE. Turn down the lights, grab some popcorn and enjoy!

Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)

What it's about: In this eighth installment of Clive Barker's film franchise, a group of Internet enthusiasts get sucked into a video game and soon score an invite to an exclusive and mysterious gathering, where the lines between cyberlife and reality are blurred. But when the soiree starts, the computer whizzes realize their host is none other than the maniacal Pinhead (Doug Bradley). And unfortunately for them, he knows how to throw a killer party.

Review: The description of this film is pretty misleading -- yes, Doug Bradley/Pinhead does make an appearance, along with an entourage of cenobites, but there is nothing else that would tie this film to the Hellraiser franchise. In essence H: Hellworld is more of a typical slasher with your typical cast of characters, all being picked off one by one for some heinous action in the past. So, it's like someone tried to paste Hellraiser over I Know What You Did Last Summer. Overall it makes for a film that is semi-interesting, but ultimately falls flat.

And not the fun kind!

Kindred: The Embraced (1996)

Vampire the Masquerade is something that's known to weird kids and tabletop players. It's a pen and paper game that was spawned from White Wolf's "World of Darkness" series. From its storylines came many novels, graphic novels, two video games, and even a television series.

Kindred: The Embraced followed the trials and tribulations of Ventrue Julian Luna, Prince of San Francisco. But see, right there is where you can get tripped up pretty easily -- just because he's a Prince doesn't mean he's royalty. This was one of the trickier parts of the first episode, and potentially an obstacle for the whole series if it had continued past the seven episodes originally aired. VtM has several clans that all fall into three main groups: Camarilla, Sabbat, and non-aligned. Thankfully, the show stuck to mainly Camarilla clans to keep things a little more simple, but they did alter a few other aspects (like letting vampires who had recently fed walk in the sunlight).

Daedalus looks to sink a little fang.

Though kind of cheesy and with hokey make-up (looking at you, Nosferatu), the show honestly had some real promise. Mark Funkel, the actor who played Julian, was a sympathetic character as we go through the loss of his maker with him, the romance with a human reporter and the desire to protect his niece, both before and after she becomes a vampire. The show was also populated with other fun characters, like Cash, the sullen and withdrawn leader of the Gangrel and who was also Julian's enforcer, and the arrogant and Frustrating Eddie Fiori, leader of the obnoxious Brujah clan.

Sascha and Cash, the star-crossed lovers; a necessity for any show.

Overall, the show is best compared to a mafia movie, which isn't a bad comparison for the game in itself. The clans aren't necessarily families, but blood is thicker than water and if you slight someone's maker, you're bound to end up on the wrong side of a stake. I would have loved to see this show flower a little more, especially if it ended up including my favorite children of Malkav, but there's a strong possibility that that could have gone very fishmalk as well.

The Moth Diaries (2011)

What it’s about: Rebecca is suspicious of Ernessa, the new arrival at her boarding school. But is Rebecca just jealous of Ernessa's bond with Lucie, or does the new girl truly possess a dark secret?

Review: The Moth Diaries is pretty easily comparable to Sheridan La Fanu’s “Carmilla,” in the idea of a supernatural female entity preying on a younger female. It’s an adaptation of a book of the same name – I haven’t read the book so I can’t compare the two, but the film intrigued me for its comparisons to the Fanu story. “Carmilla” is a classic in vampire literature and I was interested to see how it might be spun into this new story. Unfortunately, the film falls pretty low on the scale of, well, anything. Maybe only Twilight is worse.

Sit down before you get too excited.

Saturday Horror Short #12

Tumblr is a pretty great place to find really odd things, and that's where I discovered this delightful little short about one of my favorite rides at Disneyland. Missing in the Mansion is about a marriage proposal that goes horribly wrong. To tell you anything further would spoil the fun!

The Vampire Tapestry, Suzy McKee Charnas (1980)

The Vampire Tapestry is an interesting and unconventional vampire story. It unfolds over three acts, and only in the last do we actually hear from the vampire himself.

In the first third of the book, things are told through an old woman’s eyes. Katje de Groot is the widow of a staff member at the same college that Dr. Edward Leyland works at. For the most part, the vampire (Leyland) at this part of the novel is nothing more than a tick and the main reason why why obviously don’t see things from his point of view is because there wouldn’t be a whole lot to talk about. Leyland is basically a cold reptile, so self-assured that nothing can touch him that Katje gets entirely inside his guard. She’s not just any old woman – she and her husband are from “the dark continent,” and she knows how to handle a gun. Her shooting of Leyland actually springboards us into the second act, and shows us how Leyland survives from one generation to the next.

Unlike most conventional vampires, who are typically created with a bite and some blood, Leyland claims that he was biologically grown alongside humans and is therefore their natural predator. The way that he even ingests blood is unique – rather than biting his victim with two razor-sharp teeth, there is a needle that grows out from under his tongue and creates a gentle hole in the neck for him to suckle from. When not being used, it neatly tucks back under his tongue where it remains unnoticed and, quite frankly, makes far more sense in terms of evolution rather than two large, overbearing and pretty much useless fangs that would probably end up losing more blood than anything.

The second act of the book is broken up between two people – the first is a young boy, the brother of the man who takes Leyland hostage, and the other is a psychologist that Leyland tries to use to reestablish himself as a credible professor. The more interesting of the two is the psychologist, simply because we get a nice, good look into Leyland’s head in terms of how he views his food. The thing about The Vampire Tapestry is that rather than starting out with a sympathetic vampire who is conflicted about who he bits, we see how the monster operates without a conscience. Slowly, though, he grows one as he interacts more and more with his “food,” eventually forcing himself into the role of the romantic blood sucker that we’re all so familiar with.

Overall the deconstruction of the villain into something of an anti-hero is the fun part about this book, even though it can take a little while to get there. In the end, The Vampire Tapestry is really a must read on any horrorophile’s list.